There are a lot of things I would love to do in my life. But like many people, when and how are questions that I struggle with. What is realistic taking into consideration the responsibilities I have? How do I ensure I am not being selfish?
Selfish… as a woman, as a mother, the word selfish is a powerful one because it can so easily knock me down by taking the legs out from under me. What I mean by that is that it is very important to me to be a dedicated, loving mother and a respectful, considerate, and dutiful daughter. I have internalized the messages sent to me through the cultures and society I am immersed in and find myself not wanting to put my needs before others while at the same time having high ambitions as an artist, as an intellectual, as an agent of change.
This conflict is a recurring theme showers me with shame and guilt on a cyclical basis. While thinking about my goals, I have to also think about: What is a good mother? Would a good mother do this or that? Would a good daughter do this or that? Should I not be engaged in political work? Should i not be making music, writing poetry, acting, performing, going on auditions, making films? Should I not be further educating myself, researching, and analyzing the world around us? There is nothing wrong with being considerate of others, but when it consumes you, when the patriarchy tears you apart, leaving you with pieces to pick up on your own, then there is a huge problem because most likely there are other women out there feeling the same way.
So, I propose to brainstorm. I want to put out every single thing I can think of that I want to do this year, in the next 5 years, in the next 10 years, in my lifetime, and then break it down. Focus in on the priorities and visualize them working out. I will manifest my dreams dammit. I will live a full life, none of this shackled stifled paralyzed at the hips because I am a woman, a single mother. I am a sensitive soul but I will not allow their words to fill me with guilt any longer. I have a sense of urgency for the earth and for myself, and I need to live now, today. No day but today.